Mind if I Come In and Sit On Your Couch? (Pet Humor)

White Couch in comfortable living room
It's Happening All Around The Globe

In Defense of Civility and Decorum

Disclaimer: Before I get started, I want to convey that this is satire — my twisted humor running loose on an open playground. Read at your own risk. On a related note, I also wish to convey that according to a UCSF study by Katherine Rankin, Ph.D., the inability to recognize sarcasm may be an early sign of dementia. Just sayin’.

But My Heart’s in the Right Place

I love dogs — I really do. At the same time, I have a teeny-tiny aversion to saliva, so I’ll love them from a distance if it’s okay with everyone. Say, from another zip code — while wearing rubber gloves. LOL

You all go ahead without me. In solidarity, I’ll do the pageant wave and blow kisses as I stay behind and hit the like button on pictures, videos, anecdotes, memes, etc.

Granted, cute doggies are God’s creatures, but between you and me, the thought of them licking their nether regions and then wanting to kiss me is … well … let’s just say that I’m traumatized by the mere mention of it. (Feeling behind me for my fainting couch.)

Notwithstanding, I applaud most folks who consider a few salivary Slurpees of Norovirus and Campylobacter to be all in a day’s work when loving and caring for Man’s Best Friend.

Sorry, ‘errbody. I can’t go there. I am missing that gene.

Dog with huge tongue licking his nose

Boundaries Mean Love

Don’t get me wrong. I’m in no way anti-doggie. I’ve been known to binge on cute pet videos late into the night.

But let an animal (brazenly wearing no undergarments!) sleep in my bed? … Get up on my furniture? … Give me a spit-bath? No, not without heavy medication.

However, I don’t have a selfish bone in my body; I have no problem donating my allocation of Spot’s Spit to the next guy or gal.

Hear ye, hear ye!—super-size Slurpees for all!

Buy one, get one free. Yum.

In My Way Of Thinking, it’s Quite Rational

Today, a fellow writer told me I have a quirky sense of humor as I look at things differently. I suppose I do. It helps to flip things upside down and look at them from a different perspective. I’ll show you what I mean.

Pretend with me for a moment. I’ll narrate for you, and hopefully, you’ll see my point of view. (Come on. Could you work with me, Pearl?) Ready? Okay, here we go.

Imagine there’s a knock on your front door. You answer it, and there stands your neighbor (in the buff) who just left a toxic payload on your front lawn — and did not correctly clean themselves!

Next, the said neighbor comes in, runs in circles for a minute, and decides to plop themself (bare backside down) on your white couch.

Later, said neighbor climbs up on an arm of the sofa, turn in circles a few times, and situate themselves (again, bare backside down) atop the back of your seat cushions. Your neighbor’s odiferous and unhygienic bum is now downwind of your olfactory senses — the joy of joys.

Worse yet, what if, like cute little doggies, your neighbor unwittingly transported dangling remnants of their toxic tater with them as they entered?

No doubt, a polite neighbor will check for such a faux pas before seating themself. Should something be amiss, they will likely try to correct it before you notice.

Staying with that line of thinking, let’s say this neighbor checks and does discover an inadvertent hitchhiker. Oops! To your disgust, said neighbor jumps down and begins dragging their bum across your expensive oriental rugs and newly refinished hardwood floors. Lovely.

But, being the gracious host you are, you say nothing, take a deep breath, and walk on toward the kitchen.

You are about to offer them something to drink — bottled water, soda, or a cup of coffee? You are pre-empted when you notice the neighbor is missing from the living room.

They beat you to the punch; they’re already helping themselves to some libations — by drinking from the toilet in the hallway half-bath. 

Now, imagine the doorbell rings unexpectedly and startles you and your guest.

Your guest becomes frantic and jumps down. They begin rummaging through your child’s toy box, looking for something to self-soothe.

To your horror — disregarding the presence of others in the room — your excited guest drags a fluffy teddy bear into the middle of the floor and commences a highly inappropriate, embarrassingly loud display of amorous doggie behavior for all to see.

It certainly adds a different perspective to things, wouldn’t you say?

So tell me, friends — why is this considered appalling behavior for humans but not for domesticated canines?

Bingo! Exaaactly! It’s not any different.

The Horror of It All

I find it a travesty that people turn a blind eye to this egregious affront to civility and decorum. By saying and doing nothing, are we not enabling such vile behavior?

Yes, my friends, the silent majority needs to be called on the carpet for tacitly furthering the societal injustice known as ‘Doggie Privilege.’

Ask Yourself

Should perky little puppies (simply because they’re cute) be allowed to engage in such lewd behavior— without correction, public outcry, censure, or consequence?

Perhaps it’s time, friends.

Time to rise.
Time to take to the streets.
Time to speak out.
Time to write letters to members of Congress.
Time to request new legislation.
Time to organize a telethon.

So I Ask You

Have you or someone you know witnessed or enabled ‘Doggie Privilege’? Do you, like me, feel that it’s out gotten out of hand?

Let me hear your thoughts.

Call 1–800-Pet-Poo for more information. Together, we can put an end to this stain on the carpet of dignified civilization — once and for all.

ASPCA Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the writing of this piece.



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