That’s It, I Refuse To Be Interviewed By Another Fetus

Fetus Interviewer
Job interviews and other idiot encounters.

Survival Skills Required

We’re in unprecedented times, so having a healthy sense of humor and an extra helping of self-control comes in handy. It also behooves us to have — and remember to use! — a good filter.

Thankfully, I’m all set in that department.

My mother taught me to be polite and always use good manners. Had she not, I’d be out there in the wild, showing up for interviews, unskilled in how to handle myself in today’s recruiting ‘space’ [By the way, I demand to know who coined that term? I don’t know about you but I never worked in ‘space’.]

I digress.

Thanks to Mom, I’ve always been able to graciously nod my head and smile politely through gritted teeth while being interrogated by a condescending little fetus — for a job I was doing while the little darling was still a zygote undergoing cell division!

Think Outside The Box, She Said

Ah yes, and haven’t we all encountered precious Little Darling who couldn’t find the box — let alone think outside one!

Case in point: The veritable brain trust interviewing you condescendingly points out how YOU left a box blank on the (archaic!) paper application you were asked to fill out after you arrived.

Duh! Totally going over the interviewer’s head was the fact that you already spent (wasted) an hour providing the same information online via their applicant tracking system — aka ‘The Black Hole’.

Interviewer: “Um, yeah … there’s an address and phone number missing here.”
You: “Where?” you ask, leaning forward and snatching the form to take a look.

Furrowed Brows

You want to shout something rude, but you don’t. Instead, you take a deep breath, muster a forced smile, bat your baby blues, and say nothing. Your inside voice is screaming. You’re a mature professional so you successfully fight the urge to stand up, tower over him/her, and bark:

‘Really?! You want the name and phone number of my HIGH SCHOOL principal when I’ve been in the workplace for decades?! … Darlin’, as a parent, I simply have to ask … Did someone drop you on your head as an infant?!”

Notice, I said that’s what you feel like saying — but you don’t, now do you? No, you control yourself and maintain your dignity.

Clear Arrest Record

I’ve had some close calls, but thanks to Mama’s great raising, I’ve always had the wherewithal to restrain such visceral impulses.

I’m proud to say that despite overwhelming temptation on more than one occasion, never once have I ever jerked a Little Darling across the desk to slap the stupid out of him/her for making such moronic comments.

Exit Stage Left

Maybe it’s time to retire. I’m too tired to go back to school. I have no desire to fritter away my valuable time to obtain another useless certification to make myself more attractive to the toddler recruiters of LinkedIn.

The handwriting (or in the case of doctors, the scribbling) is on the wall.

Nah, I guess it’s time to do The Big Quit alongside the many great doctors who are tired of bureaucrats telling them what to do.

The path forward is rather simple. As my buddy Steppenwolf says (and yes, I really do know him) … it’s time to retire and move over for the young ones …

YouTube player

Yesterday’s glory won’t help us today
You want to retire? Get out of the way

I ain’t got much time. The young ones close behind
I can’t wait in line

Songwriters: Gabriel Mekler /John Kay
More Over lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group


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