From my Lockdown Chronicles Collection, March 2020
A Daily Dose
It’s nice to have friends who still have a sense of humor in these trying times. I value these kinds of special friends immensely. Friends who don’t take themselves too seriously. Friends who, although they respect the gravity of the situation and times we’re in, still aren’t so stiff that they can’t laugh when humorous situations present themselves.
My friend’s son (Daniel) is one of those folks.
He came home from work earlier than usual the other day. His employer is scaling back business hours, but (thankfully) he is still employed.
He walked up to my computer to greet his auntie; we’re not blood relatives but he considers me family. Looking over my shoulder he saw a post I was writing at the time entitled “How I’m Surviving The Panic In New England (There’s Humor In A Lockdown If You Look For It.)
He quickly ran to grab his phone, announcing that he wanted to show me something.
He knew that I’d ‘get’ the humor in the tit-for-tat text jesting he’d participated in with his dad who lives in another part of the country.
He forwarded the thread to me to share with other humor lovers on WordPress.
The thread went like this:
Daniel
Good morning Dad. All is well here. We’re adapting. We’re not experts yet, but we’re making progress in how to roast varmints over burning tires. We were starting to suffer, but someone brought it to our attention that there are many survival lessons to be learned from the TV series, The Walking Dead. We are hoping that at some point we can find our way back to civilization again because we all miss being able to use real toilet paper and watch decent cable TV (not that decent cable TV ever existed). Love you! Hope you make it okay through the corona apocalypse. P.S. Remember to keep your spear sharpened in case some other clan tries to take your toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Also, I’ve found that a dash of salt and pepper on a roasted rat is to die for!
Dad
Way ahead of you son! The best way to keep other tribes at bay is to forego the use of toilet paper entirely for at least a week or two! You know what they say, the best defensive is being very offensive (or something like that). By the way, didn’t you mean roasted rats are to die ‘FROM’?
Daniel
LOL. I’m thinking that people are going to have to get creative with the this whole toilet paper crisis thing. I’m thinking … copy paper … party streamers … belt sanders; anything that works.
Dad
That last one works but it’s a bit severe don’t you think?—not to mention rough on the hemorrhoids. If you go that route, you could add a dollop or two of Turtle Wax and you might never have shined so brightly! Garden hoses and bidets are other worthy options to consider. LOL
Daniel
True that, but if you use them improperly, you can end up looking like one of those giant balloons in the Macy’s parade. But then, I suppose a prudent safeguard might be to make sure that the pressure valve on the spray nozzle is in the ‘off’ position before turning on the spigot. Speaking of pressure, we could hire a professional with a pressure washer to come to our house and then line the whole family up. In retrospect, I think it was a really good idea that I got out the pressure washing business when I did. I did notice that while everything else around here is reducing hours or closing, the car washes seem to be operating as usual.
Dad
Yer killing me, Smalls! LOL Yep, that’d be an option. Give yourself a nice cleaning on the top and then roll through the car wash and get your undercarriage blasted. Me? My vote is for the party streamers over the other options you proposed. Admittedly, they might be a little rough on the backside, but not nearly as rough as the belt sander. Also, party streamers would serve a dual purpose. Not only would they clean your backside, but they would help to keep morale higher than the other alternatives, especially the longer we have to stay sequestered.
Daniel
Sorry Dad, you know me. My humor gets worse during pandemics. I appreciate your suggestions, butt we’re okay—for now. BTW, If you think I’m bad now, you should’ve been around for the Typhoid Mary Roast. We had a ‘ball’ then.
Dad
Hahaha. I get it. LOL You’re ‘CRACKING’ me up. See? I’m not too old to get your reference. The old man’s still sharp. Still hip.
Daniel
Oh sorry Dad. I guess I’ll have to bury that one. I didn’t have any toilet paper with me here on the job … Oh?! … What? … You were referring to my humor? Oh, yeah, that too. Got it. Gotta get back to work. Stay safe down there in Illinois Dad. I love you!
For years I moonlighted as a serious healthcare administrator. These days I am flying my humor flag and enjoying life. I write to dispel the rumor that I rode off quietly into the sunset. Smile and enjoy the ride. Life is good.
